Oofki.Net

I feel like my room is a reflection of my current state.  Although rare, when my room is clean and organized I am feeling good and on top of the world.  I have my shit together literally and figuratively.  Most of the time it’s not in too bad of shape but times like now it’s a disaster.

Trash.  Beer.  Who knows.

I was doing good, really good.  I was losing weight because I cared.  I was running and eating good and as always something shot me down and it all got taken away.  I lost two of my best friends.  I have an easier time not talking to my mother then them.

I generally don’t care about cutting some one out of my life but times have been tough.  I made a lot of cuts, A LOT these past 6 months.  Some people I could care less about others I do more and I think it’s why I have a hard time sleeping.   So I try to fill my life with other crap.  Stuffing my face and spending 95% of my day in my room alone.  I have no will or want to see anyone, I feel betrayed.  Betrayed by people I gave my life to.

Maybe that’s why I have a hard time letting people in.  I am not like I used to be years ago, I could be friends with anyone back then.  Now I’m still a great guy if not beyond so to my friends, now I just shut everyone down.  I cut their throats before they have a chance to talk.  Maybe it’s time for me to move.  I have to soonish anyways.

Everyone is fucked up but not like me.  I hardly ever have ups.  I usually float some where below the middle.  Instead of being able to breathe most of the time, most of the time I can’t.  It’s hard to stay up when there is always conflict in the lives of the people I care most about.  That’s probably why I try to stay calm.  Even people at work notice this.  I rarely get excited about anything and I think it’s because I have trained myself to be like this.  Not really on purpose, but I recognize it and don’t necessarily encourage it - I just don’t discourage it.  I guess what I am saying is I am an enabler to my own bad habits.  So like always I just ignore everything the best I can and try to keep my head above the water - taking breaths while I can, but not yelling for help.  I would never yell.

I guess I try to fill my life with material possessions to try and fill some void.  It’s the worst habit I have; Even worse then smoking.  I was never given anything as a child.  I had jobs before it was legal to and haven’t stopped working since.  I was forced to buy my own clothes and food even after my family started making more money.  I guess knowing what they had and didn’t give me filled me with jealousy.  So I climbed.  From paper boy, to bus boy, to computer tech, to programmer.  And I did it all without school.  Fuck that noise.  I bought and I buy and I give and I give.  My credit card bill each month is more then most people make in 3.  Yeah I pay it off, but it fucks up my savings, needless to say I don’t have much.

I think the need to have is gluttony to most people.  I am a consumerist whore.  I could even say it’s a sickness.  Losing friends to drugs, death, backstabbing never got me any where.  I know the only things that are semi-permanent are things I purchase.  So in times like these I fill myself with those things, they won’t leave me unless I want them to.  I won’t have to sacrifice them because of how they behaved or lose them to heroin.  I guess I’m a lot more fucked up then I thought.